In My Opinion: Cinema Survival

This week Joe West gives us some tips and tricks for surviving a trip to the cinema…

Having watched surprisingly good™ survival disaster movie The Grey at the weekend, in which Liam Neeson slaughters wolves and denies the existence of God, I’ve come up with a list of things that you need to survive a contemporary trip to the cinema.

Stockings/Tights

Here’s my problem: I can’t resist checking my phone at least once when I’m out at the cinema. But I’m always aware that the screen lights up like a chain smoker on a lunch break, so I make a semi-polite attempt to hold the phone down by my side and twist my head to see if I’ve got any emails. To help me/you stop hating yourself and annoying others, why not pop your mobile in a single stocking or half a pair of tights? This will reduce the brightness of the screen while still leaving it legible when you are up close. Plus it will still detect your touches through the fabric, if you choose the right denier.*

3D Glasses

Everything is in 3D these days, but it’s easy to get ambushed by a new film which is only available in 3D, or indeed if show times conspire against you. You don’t want to pay even more on top of the inflated price of your ticket for yet another pair of plastic 3D specs which will end up dumped in a draw somewhere, so do the right thing and always bring some with you. I recommend attaching them to a piece of string, like your mum might. You can superglue them to your face if you’re particularly forgetful or, in less extreme circumstances, just keep some in your jacket pocket/car so you aren’t left looking like a berk.

Outside Food

I know that cinemas make their money from charging hilarious prices for sweets and popcorn, but what is even sillier is that people (including me) actually buy the stuff. I recommend going to a shop, right, and then buying like one thing to take in with you. For preference I’d choose a cuboid stack of Fruitella or Chewits as they’re the time of pocketable sugary nonsense that goes unnoticed and they’re also individually wrapped, so you can ‘ration’ them and pretend you’re watching a film after a zombie apocalypse. Also, if you are with someone who might have dirty hands, you won’t mind sharing as much.

A Friend Who Enjoys Whispering

Statistically, most films are rubbish. If you go to see a bad one on your own then you can escape into sleep if you get bored, but there’s nothing better than making snarky comments about a movie, excellent or awful, to a friend who is not only willing to listen but who also enjoys joining in. Be warned: It is possible to head butt one another in the darkened screen if you both think of a sarcastic comment at the same time. And people behind you might think you’re making out with a platonic friend, so prepare to be judged.

Paracetamol

Bring about 500 tablets with you, plus a small bottle of water, so you can look forward to the sweet release of death at some point during Adam Sandler’s Jack and Jill.

*That’s right, women, I know about this kind of thin

See more of Joe’s film musings here.

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